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Joke of the Day

"*queen points out window* ""what's that flashing out the window?"" ""Lightning, My Queen"" *car busts thru window* DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN"

"damn girl are you the expiration date on my milk because I regret not paying attention to you"

"Telling a girl she has nice hair is not sexual harassment Unless you're a dwarf"

"Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around ""the law"". Judges don't like it."

"My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do."

"Why so many conservative white Americans voted Obama? Old whites on their deathbeds saw ""the light"" people so often experience when they approach death, and accidentally voted for it."

"I asked a guy what his favorite movie was earlier today. And it was not Paul Blart: Mall Cop"

"joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*"

"Him: Let's play ""show me your binky."" Me: Hey Father, this is a fucked up confession. Can't I just say a Hail Mary?"

"Thank God for nipples... Without it..... Boobs would be pointless"