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Joke of the Day

"""I'll take movies for $500 Alex"" Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter ""You gotta be kidding me"""

"[At job interview] M. ""No, English is my second language."" I. ""What's your first language then?"" M. ""Emoji."""

"I wouldn't take a bullet for you but I'd definitely push someone in front of you to take it for you. Same thing."

"Women love a man in uniform, but especially a uniform made from chocolate bars and $100 bills."

"Why did the grain call his sister ""momma""? Because he was in bread!"

"I'm a lot like a pair of testicles. Cause I'm nuts in the sack."

"Whenever I see a sign saying Fine Jewelry I think to myself, it's probably had enough warnings, why not just arrest it."

"I told you to act natural while I paint. Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table? - DaVinci"

"I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat."

"If 80s movies taught me anything, it's that anyone with a sweater tied around their shoulders is a villain"