116984

Joke of the Day

"Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history."

"What's the easiest way to make a million dollars? Invest a billion."

"Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?"

"I tried finding work as a Saudi executioner... ...but I couldn't get ahead."

"The planet would be a better place if people would just be who they truly are. Human civilization would collapse within a week..."

"me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]"

"Hey girl is your dad in jail... ...Because if I was your dad, I would be"

"Sometimes in the mornings I have dirty thoughts about a dead girlfriend Mourning wood"

"Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else's music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit."

"Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch."