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Joke of the Day

"1. Buy Dick Cheney's memoir. 2. Tie it to a board. 3. Pour water on it. 4. Demand the truth. 5. Fail to get it."

"Have you ever hit a man with glasses? No. A 2by4 works much better."

"I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it"

"I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot."

"They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss."

"I'm jealous of Santa... ...he can yell ""hoe hoe hoe"" at anyone and get away with it."

"I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him"

"The sushi at my local deli is to die of."

"Octopus have 3 hearts, what has 13 hearts and no organs? A deck of playing cards."

"Any day now Trump and Pence are going to pull off their masks and reveal that they're Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons"