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Joke of the Day

"I met the inventor of the crossword last week. Can't remember his name. P something T something R."

"How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have to get the guitarist to do it for them."

"A brief guide to small talk: Read someone's t-shirt out loud to them. Ask what it means. Casually flick their nipple. Ask where they got it."

"A son asks his dad ""Dad, am I adopted?"" ""Not yet son. We still haven't found anyone that wants you"""

"What does a lawyer say to another lawyer? We are both a lawyer."

"I just yelled ""Where's the baby?!"" while holding the baby. I can't believe it was legal for me to reproduce."

"MUGGER: Empty your pockets! ME: But these are cargo shorts. (45 min later) ME: That's the left one MUGGER: Seriously. ME: I am SO sorry"

"What women want.. ...is a penis made of chocolate that ejaculates money."

"What do giraffes eat at 11am? Brunch."

"I bring Mayweather with me when I work at customer service... Because he's great at avoiding fights."