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Joke of the Day

"Are we sure that we're supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I'm discovering I have much more in common with this blanket."

"A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar And the Scotsman shouts ""All the drinks are on me!"" The next morning the headlines read *""Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar""*"

"Why does Thanksgiving feel like a date with Bill Cosby? You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat"

"Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'"

"Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna."

"One of my friends went up to my Portuguese dad.... and asked ""You're Portuguese, right?"" He said ""No, I'm Portugoose. There's is only one of me"""

"What do you call a feminist that eats really, really fat cows? A cannibal"

"I before E except after C. Yes another myth disproven by science."

"Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal"

"I'm going to name my son After Me. So every time he asks to do something cool I say ""ya After Me."""