114777

Joke of the Day

"The State of Illinois has just unveiled its new welcome sign... Welcome to Illinois; not ALL of our elected officials have been indicted!"

"Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM."

"We're at the mall and noticed none of the kids can sit on Santa's lap. I'm not sure why, there's probably some Claus against it..."

"MISSED CONNECTION: I was the customer. You were the cable guy. You said you'd be here by 5 but you never came you piece of shit I'm gonna fi"

"I just bought a pair of Nike's from a drug dealer. (other brands are available) I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all night."

"""tell me doc, is it bad news?"" ""you've got piles"" ... ""piles of health that is! LOL"" ... ""except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those"""

"Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff? Tequila"

"Matthew McConaughey's acting secret is that he always just came"

"What is your favourite shaggy dog tale?"

"Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!"