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Joke of the Day
"Today, I woke up an optimist. He punched me in the face."
Next Joke
"Who do grammar nazis hang out with now? The alt-write."
"Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call"
"Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep."
"50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies."
"90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming."
"What's the worst part of going to a southern family reunion? Seeing your ex."
"""knock knock."", ""Who's there?"", ""Allah"", ""allah who?"" ""ALLAHU AKBARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"""
"Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here"
"So I just started my own indoor ship production company. Production was great, until sales started going through the roof."