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Joke of the Day

"Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep."

"What kind of bird works on a construction site? A Crane."

"sexyaardvark69 [username taken] sexywombat69 [username taken] sexyplatypus69 [username taken] sorry this might take a while..."

"What is the capital of the United States? Half of what it was last week"

"Kindergarten reunion??!?!?! I've gained like 100 pounds since then. No way I'm showing up!!!!"

"Sodium said to neon, ""I gave your mother my electron last night!"" Neon didn't react."

"How do you circumcise a redneck... Uppercut his sister in the jaw."

"What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah...39"

"Mrs Claus hospitalised with severe cramps. Heavy Christmas period to blame."

"I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. ""Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?"""