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Joke of the Day

"Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are. Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep."

"Show me on this Georgia O'Keeffe painting where the bad man touched you."

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day... ...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: You're on your own, Idiot."

"What do two gay guys have for breakfast? AIDS and bacon."

"I spent an hour staring at the OJ container yesterday. It said ""concentrate."""

"My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said ""What the fuck man it's, 2016, you can use whatever printer you want""."

"For her birthday, I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself."

"Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid"

"Why do blacks keep on getting stronger? TVs are getting heavier."