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Joke of the Day

"Bumped into an old friend. We were both staring down at our phones. We just kept walking."

"What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel!"

"How deep is a swimming pool? It deep-ends."

"KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad...may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad...may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?"

"Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house? because he has gnocchi"

"I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it."

"I paid $10 and got $20 worth of fishing supplies. It was a net gain."

"Women are like spaghetti. They're straight until wet."

"People at work say i'm unnecessarily rude ... but i say fuck those cunts."

"I didn't realise Trump had a communist streak, but... His call for people of the world to seize the means of reproduction was rather stirring!"