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Joke of the Day

"I hate autocorrect I texted my grandma saying ""Sex tonight"". I meant tomorrow"

"""You ask."" ""No, you ask!"" ""Will you please ask?"" ""Why can't you ask?"" ""Fine... Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!"""

"Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains."

"What did the salmon say when it hit the wall? ""Dam"""

"General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha"

"You know what the definition of ""competitive"" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk."

"Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"

"Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week? Patient: No I'm sick now."

"I plan to retire at 30. The used tire business is just calling my name."

"What's Hitler's favorite Chinese food? Lo mein kampf"