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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked me what I want to do with her body... Apparently ""identify it"" wasn't the right answer."

"What does Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal!"

"Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove."

"good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed ""we don't have a dog"" *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*"

"Why do vegans don't like to kiss?? It gives them butterflies in their stomach"

"- How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights."

"Why couldn't Adam stop Cain from killing his brother? Because he wasn't Abel."

"The only way for America to not fuck up in the next election. Vote for Bill Clinton. Left the nation with national Surplus, and he got his dick sucked doing it."

"*takes construction hat to vet* Please help. My turtle hasn't moved in 8 years."

"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt"