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Joke of the Day

"FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth ME: Really? Which one? FRIEND: Katie ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth"

"It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, ""close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."""

"Daughter saw old clothes I've saved for sentimental value & said 'I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too'. She's out of the will."

"Everyone worries about Pao. They should be worried about... Darude Sandstorm"

"Why do you need sauce with sausages? Well if you didn't have the sauce then sausages would just be ""a jizz"""

"*maintains eye contact while checking 'Dating Librarians For Dummies' out from the library."

"I went to the Doctors today for a checkup He told me that I had one of the best digestive systems he'd ever seen. So today I'm celebrating superb bowel sunday."

"Report card day: The only day where double D's are a bad thing."

"I wonder if Morgan Freeman talks himself to sleep every night."

"I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan."