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Joke of the Day

"During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless.. .. Girl: What the heck are you doing?? Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called ""buffering"""

"2yo's favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force. When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme."

"Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It's been 15 minutes."

"Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over."

"*Rolls window down* Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: is it because I'm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?"

"""Ah, Mr Bond, I-"" *closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers* ""-wasn't expecting you."""

"Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime... Balloon prices are going to go sky high."

"Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time."

"yes ladies i have a black belt. its a black leather belt from Marshalls. [i flinch as a bird flys by] you girls wanna get some lunch?"

"If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a... ...forward four-word foreword for Word."