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Joke of the Day

"For a week I've been telling my kid ""If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!"" and it finally worked. (She died.)"

Next Joke
 
"What did the homeless man get for christmas? very hungry"
"Taking a cue from politicians, I'm getting thirty normal people to stand behind me every time I say something stupid. (They're here now.)"
"Some guy at a party asked me, ""Who's cheese is on those chips?"" [Fixed] And I said, ""Well, obviously *na-chos*."" Get it? It sounds like '*not yours*' with an accent."
"I used to like banking... ... But then I lost interest."
"I just read a Facebook ad that said ""Come in a designer, leave a CEO."" Not sure why they're offering dating advice, but okay."
"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cantaloupe ! Cantaloupe who ? Cantaloupe with you tonight !"
"I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday. BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food"
"what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought ""you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce."""
"At the liquor store: ""Hey, do you need help?"" ""Yes, but I come here instead"""