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Joke of the Day

"Great gift for Trump supporters: Place a bar of soap in their Christmas stocking and beat them with it after they fall asleep"

"Hey, baby. Are you cheese? 'Cause you look gouda to me."

"I told my mom I got in trouble at school today for a PDA.... She said, ""For what? Kissing your teacher's ass?"""

"My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I'm never sober."

"While sitting on the couch my wife said ""I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."" Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate."

"My sister is an expert pastry-maker. She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate."

"What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is? A size-mom-meter"

"If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length."

"Double standards are not fair! When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea."

"Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself."