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Joke of the Day

"Drake jokes I'll start: Drake the type of dude to stare at the biggest dude in jail directly in the eyes then SLAM the soap on the bathroom floor."

"So i had my first child... * Me: Oh my god! what are you doing?? * Doctor: What? im suppose to slap her in the ass after the birth, no? * Me: You suppose to slap the baby!!"

"Why did the sperm cross the road? Cause I put on the wrong sock this morning"

"How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling ""Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"""

"Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page. True story."

"Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep."

"[birdwatching] Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle."

"On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky ...how much do you love your children?"

"One-night stand at first, but ended up happening again... I mean, they're just so cheap at Ikea, so I had to go back to get another."

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Nothing, she just gagged a little."