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Joke of the Day

"I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car I asked him: ""Do you need some help carrying that plasma?"" He said: ""Fuck off asshole, it's an iPad"""

"Advertising for a babysitter Apparently, saying I prefer the babysitter not have a gag reflex isn't as appropriate as it seemed when I wrote the ad."

"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints"

"I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked."

"I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen ...mosquito bite. What did YOU think I'm talking about? Weirdos!!"

"Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to ""defeat ISIS"" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical."

"Genders are a lot like the twin towers. They have a habit of going down on each other when things get hot"

"*comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice"

"A dyslexic guy... Walks into a bra."

"Did you hear about the pair of university professors who got sued for sexual harassment? They were two lecturers."