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Joke of the Day

"Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit"

"[at the shooting range] Recruit: Sir, I missed every target. Officer: Perfect. *makes him a stormtrooper*"

"Boy says this to girl Boy: No word can describe how beautiful you are Girl: Awwwww Boy: But a number can, 2/10"

"*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out"

"I am finally going to stop procrastinating. Starting tomorrow..."

"How does a butcher introduce his wife to his friends? ""Meet Patty"""

"What do you call a Mexican who has just lost his car? Carlos"

"A muslim says Bismillah to ward away the three jinns (xpost from r/islam) Two hydrjinns and one oxyjinn."

"At this point, History Channel, you might as well just take that final step and change your name to Speculation Television."

"There's a sticky penis on my doormat... It must've come in the post."