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Joke of the Day

"For some reason, I'm not in The Guinness Book of Records. Even though I was *definitely* the first person ever to touch my penis."

"What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? (X-post from /r/pokemon) Squirtle"

"I like my humor like i like my coffee Dark, bitter but satisfying."

"For all of you claiming you have over 100 IQ. How can you possibly score over 100%? I am very pleased with my score of 79."

"Why are so many Italians named Tony? Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY."

"There are 10 kinds of people in this world... those who understand binary and those who don't."

"4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?"

"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."

"Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show."

"""How dare you judge her size..."" ""The woman has had three children!"" ""For lunch?"""