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Joke of the Day

"I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema Staff: ""for the hobbit?"" Me. : ""no, she's my friend"""

"[Lawyer] ""I can't stress this enough. You cannot plead that you're a wizard ok?"" ""ok"" [Later in court] ""I plead that im a wizard your honor"""

"My friend's grandpa who was suffering from Alzheimer's passed away recently He forgot he was alive"

"I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed."

"Ten things men know about women (Strong language) 1) They have pussies 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) They have breasts too"

"Her: So what do you do? Him: I'm a pickup artist. Her: Pig! [leaves] Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]"

"How did I get out of Iraq? I ran"

"Hello, Room service? Yes, in order to make my fort structurally sound I'm gonna need 9 more pillows brought to room 355 Bring ice cream too"

"If men ejaculate semen does that mean women ejaculate sewomen?"

"What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short."