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Joke of the Day

"How is life at the post office going? It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness"

"So the iPhone 7 gets arrested... He puts on his earpods and smugly declares ""sorry, you can't charge me while I'm using my headphones""."

"Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades"

"If smoking is so bad for you How come it cures salmon?"

"the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled fuck and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex"

"the Facebook app for iPhone"

"[1st Date] Her: I've had a hysterectomy Him: I've had a vasectomy Her: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Him: You gonna eat those fries?"

"Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy ""You're Wife Sarah says hello""."

"So my dyslexia makes it hard for me to take public transportation and... ...oops. Sorry. Wrong bus."

"How to wash dishes like a bachelor: 1. Put in sink 2. Wait"