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Joke of the Day

"[hands over brown bag with 10,000 ransom] ""Now give me my wife."" ""This is short by 2.39"" [hides Mcflurry] ""it's all I got."""

"What was Bernie Sander's favorite topic in mathematics? Radicals. He loved finding the ""root"" of problems..."

"Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like."

"I failed my drivers license test I didn't want to start the car. When the instructor asked why I said it was illegal to test and drive."

"You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her."

"My wife's been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that."

"You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is? It's because there are more birds on that side."

"I may be schizophrenic But at least I have each other"

"""Papa who was Hamlet?"" ""You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was."""

"Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy? Me neither."