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Joke of the Day

"How much do flying broomsticks cost at Hogwarts? Quid each."

"FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim"

"Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?"

"I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me."

"Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice. Vader: But why? I've been loyal. Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?"

"Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me."

"It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long."

"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable"

"The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony. It was called the Santa Clause."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony."