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Joke of the Day

"The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes."

"What did the Hitler trains say when they took the jews away? Jewww jewwww"

"What does an Alzheimer's patient say whenever they browse /r/funny? ""Hey, this looks new!"""

"Name an X-Man that is also a Transformer Bruce Jenner"

"I walked into a Chinese bar and ordered the heaviest drink. The bartender served me wonton soup."

"You know how they say ""if you snooze you lose""... I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it."

"How are woman and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave."

"A man has an accident at the factory where he works... He calls his wife and says ""Meet me at the hospital! I just cut off my finger!"" Wife says ""The whole finger?!?"" He says ""No, the one next to it"""

"A healthy man in a room of paraplegic people is outstanding"

"What do you call a vibrating cat? An ocellate."