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Joke of the Day

"Damn girl, are you a pig? Because your mother looks like a pig. Because you look damn hot bacon in the Sun. Because I want to stuff you like Thanksgiving dinner. . . . More suggestions appreciated"

"If you want her - tell her. If you need her - show her. If you yearn for her - touch her. Just make sure her husband's not at home."

"Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they're plugged into a know it all."

"After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names... "

"Know what I hate more than a hipster? Two hipsters."

"DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead."

"I want my tombstone to read: Don't feel too bad, he really liked sleeping"

"Why isn't Luke on the poster for The Force Awakens? He's a bit Shywalker. I'm so, so sorry everyone."

"My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years. I never knew he was a barber."

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors."