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Joke of the Day

"Am I the only one who gets nervous when a person @'s you with a link? Like they found that pic of you at 18 being spanked in a tutu."

"I don't do cocaine I just like the smell"

"Um, guys, whaddya do with a 5 y.o. at an aquarium who's hysterical because she sees Dory in a tank and I kind of need to know right now."

"I went to Seoul the other day to sell fluorescent markers. It was the highlight of my Korea."

"If Donald Trump was a fruit what would he be? A walnut."

"ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife* ME: holy shit"

"""Sorry dad... my cat ripped your sweater"" ""Darn it!"""

"Relationship status: woke up next to an empty pizza box"

"9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad"

"What's the capital of Greece? (x-post from /r/MeanJokes) About 10. DISCLAIMER: I heard this joke from /u/r4e3d2d2i8t5. All due credit to that person."