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Joke of the Day

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife died. Also; what is Forest Gump's password? 1Forest1"

"if someone asks you about yourself say ""OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story"" then just wander off"

"How can you identify a French Infantryman? Sunburned armpits."

"Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song."

"My fear of dogs went away after I dated my ex Cause she was a total bitch"

"The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a good representation of all Italians Not straight."

"Daisy: how are you Gatsby: great"

"wife: ugh I feel so old me: you're only 36 wife: ugh me: that's like three 12yr olds wife: what me: what"

"If someone asks if you've been crying just say, ""why... do you want to watch?"" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone"

"I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, ""Guacamole is NO OBJECT!"""