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Joke of the Day

"I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week."

"90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits."

"People used to laugh at me when I would say ""I want to be an actor"" Now I'm the only one laughing"

"Where do bros go for spring break? Gainzville."

"I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black."

"Why did the Libertarian cross the road? ""None of your damn business. Am I being detained?"""

"I wanted the day off work today so I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick... He said ""You don't sound sick."" I said ""I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?"" Well... I got the day off."

"One of my last days in town and my girlfriend asks me what I want to do, and I say we could just sit around. She says what will we sit around?"

"what do you call a prosecutor on a rape case? a cosby sweater."

"If being successful was an amusement park, I'm the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out."