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Joke of the Day

"Just a little poem for all the night owls up right now. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Go the fuck to sleep."

"Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year."

"Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole."

"When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too."

"I was going to join the debating team in high school, but someone talked me out of it."

"[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope"

"Pete and Repete are in a boat and Pete falls out. Who's left?"

"I stole Stephen Hawking's wheelchair today I thought it was hilarious, he had nothing to say on the matter."

"My Weed dealer needed to do his laundry So I sold him a dime bag of quarters, but I cut it with some canadian shit."

"Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one"