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Joke of the Day

"Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife."

"When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool."

"[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it's an emergency me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?"

"What do you call? What do you call 'nuts on a chest'? chestnuts. What do you call 'nuts on a wall'? walnuts. What do you call 'nuts on a chin'? .... A dick in your mouth."

"technology My Grandpa said ""Your generation relies to much on technology."" I said ""No, your generation relies to much on technology."" Then I unplugged his life support."

"My bird puns are so EGG-cellent - Do you wanna hear a bird pun? - No - Well... this is HAWK-ward - dammit"

"Every time your kid starts crying when they don't get what they want, just say ""I don't negotiate with terrorists."""

"What does a cell that's full of shit do? Lyse."

"Why did Fred put band aids in the refrigerator? He wanted cold cuts."

"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!"