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Joke of the Day

"What do the Patriots and Measles have in common? They both got to go to Disneyland, because some idiot decided to pass on something."

"Women 15 to 65 At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE. At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE. At 35,she is a GRAND PRIZE. At 45,she is a CONSOLATION PRIZE. At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and at 65,she is a GIVEAWAY PRIZE"

"I love these hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked. I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though."

"I spend more time on twitter than I do in church. I'd rather vent to imaginary friends on the Internet than to imaginary friends in the sky."

"The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral."

"Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!"

"I got my friend a house warming present I got him a bag of logs for his wood burner"

"[picks up date] *slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*"

"Irony= someone tweeting about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad 2 -__-"

"Apparently certain types of ink can cause cancer I'm starting to get a bit worried, I've been smoking cigarettes wrapped in that stuff for a while now."