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Joke of the Day

"A guy is out to dinner with his wife... Wife: See that drunk guy at the bar? Guy: Yeah, what about him? Wife: He proposed to me 10 years ago, but I turned him down. Guy: Wow! He's STILL celebrating!"

"""GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND WE MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD FOR ANYTHING"" ""sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse"" ""Oh rad, bring it in"""

"I love when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible shit."

"What do you call a fire on the beach? Bernie Sanders"

"Why do so many people listen to Taylor Swift songs after a breakup? Because they were tailor made for it."

"*go to shake hands with All-Knowing Oracle* *just stares at me* *realize he knows I didn't wash my hands after using the bathroom earlier*"

"Where can you find a scientist that's into bestiality? In his lab!"

"Your mother's so fat... she listens to Jimmy Buffet."

"I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn't tell I was drinking. I'm worried about her, now."

"Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella? Fodrizzle"