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Joke of the Day

"[drops capsule in woman's drink] Maybe when that's finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?"

"Me: I can't seem to lose weight CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean"

"Appearing to be productive at work requires more effort than actually being productive."

"What's round and hard and full of acidic semen? A Jewish submarine."

"Why is Antarctica controversial? It's a polarizing topic."

"""Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?"" ""No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..."" *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*"

"The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down."

"Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? A: To smell like big girls."

"It's like these people that have to shop at Goodwill don't even realize how lucky and trendy they are!"

"Tried to cover Miles Davis but failed miserably... I Kind of Blue it"