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Joke of the Day
"I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash."
Next Joke
"Sometimes I like to spend my Sunday afternoon being screamed at by a 5 year old for eating the sandwiches I made for her imaginary friend."
"If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money."
"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Broken Bungee Barbie ...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement"
"Q: What did the alien say to the gardener? A: Take me to your weeder."
"Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work* Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall Me: *takes 8 month vacation*"
"Today I witnessed an amputee being hanged. I tried to save him, but yelled out all the wrong letters. (H/T Demetri Martin)"
"If my wife ends an argument with ""Fine, do what you want!"" I'm pretty sure the words ""If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep"" are implied."
"I want to put a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumpersticker on a goose"
"FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr"