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Joke of the Day

"Scientist: a rat will choose cocaine over water until it dies. I've repeated this experiment thousands of times, because I hate rats so much"

"Why do jews have such big noses. Because air is free."

"Why do they call Hannibal Lecter ""The Mail Man""? He always delivers."

"Sharks don't sleep so I'm pretending I'm a shark except one that sings along with Lady Gaga. I'm Lady Sharkshark! Anyway, totally drunk."

"What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant!"

"My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store."

"What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route."

"I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man."

"I found a way to make all this gender identity stuff work for me. My right hand will now identify as female. Now I won't have to be sad every time I masturbate."

"John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him. He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames."