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Joke of the Day

"Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch."

"TIFU by not reading War and Peace. This wasn't today, this was ever. That book is way too long. I didn't read it. TL:DR Too Long. Didn't Read."

"Whats the age of consent in Thailand? 50$"

"My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician."

"The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers"

"OWNER: The museum's ready? ME: All the artichokes are in place OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts [I slam the door shut] ME: U cannot go in there"

"Dating websites I was on eharmony last night, why did it ask my height in inches?"

"Ask me if I'm a tree. Huh? Ask me if I'm a tree. Are you a tree? No."

"What did watson say when he got constipation? No shit sherlock."

"I moustache you a question but I'm shavin' it for later Sean Connery."