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Joke of the Day

"Everyone buries their problems in different ways. I bury them alive because killing people is wrong."

"I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you."

"*pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong."

"How do you call an intelligent blonde? A Labrador."

"I drink every time I tell a bad joke. Hey, it's worth a shot."

"GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no"

"Relationships are like yard sales.... They look like fun from a couple yards away, but up close it's just a bunch of crap you don't need."

"If you wore corduroy to a job interview, what kind of an impression would you leave? I feel like this is a great setup, but I can't think of a punchline. Any help, reddit?"

"Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card"

"My horse was way more aggressive than usual today it threw me off"