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Joke of the Day

"Highlighter pens are the future... Mark my words"

"When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background."

"A girl called me yesterday and said ""Come over there's no one home."" I went over. Nobody was home."

"I don't get why women are complaining that Plan B doesn't work if you're over 180 lbs If she's over 180 lbs, she's already Plan B!"

"STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she'll log into twitter."

"Look at all these people writing in Starbucks, just like Hemingway."

"A man walks through the forest and sees a shark passing by ... the man asks 'Hey shark, shouldn't you rather be in an ocean?' Shark says 'Yeah, I should.'"

"Why is Microsoft skipping Windows 9 and going straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9!"

"I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open."

"I left a tube of superglue in my pocket when I did laundry yesterday... ...it was a viscous cycle."