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Joke of the Day

"how wide is the universe? how long is a piece of string theory"

"[at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello"

"My friend told me what the Mile High Club was the other day But honestly, I don't give a flying fuck."

"Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone's eyes were closed."

"Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on"

"Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday."

"How do you annoy Lady Gaga? Poker face."

"Did you hear about the kayaker that hit a submerged couch during the Rio Olympics? It was a fabricated story."

"How did the feminist die? Alone"

"My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend."