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Joke of the Day

"My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower."

"Your iTunes is working just fine. Would you like to update it?"

"Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side! Credit goes to [Savage Chickens.](http://www.savagechickens.com/2005/03/door-number-one.html)"

"I hate people that can't tell the difference between ""you're"" and ""your"" their so stupid"

"Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup."

"Throwing acid is wrong In some people's eyes..."

"*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage* *Buys Magic 8 Ball* *Whispers*, This is how we raise you now."

"*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse* 5: *crying* Me: It's okay, son. 5: You said you were gonna get me a snack."

"Why can't two Asians make their own Caucasian babes? Because two wongs don't make a white!"

"I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning."