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Joke of the Day

"I'm open to change but not when it's sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning"

"My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta."

"I can get most of Reddit to hate me in one sentence I'm watching Sword Art Online (my favorite anime) on my iPhone while reading a Minions fanfic on my Wii U and eating bananas dipped in ketchup"

"A girl once broke up with me... A girl once broke up with me because I quoted Linkin Park too much. It was a great releationship, but in the end it doesn't even matter."

"*nudges widow at funeral* are you thinking Arby's"

"It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it"

"Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food? Her: Uh, excuse me? Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please."

"Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans"

"I'd tell a 9/11 joke... But the only two I know always fall flat."

"No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud."