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Joke of the Day

"INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did... did it work?"

"Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?"

"I told this girl to call me when she got home I guess she's homeless."

"I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single."

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job."

"What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D"

"The awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting and you're like ""WTF did I just write?!"""

"Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!"

"I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up."

"What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler"