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Joke of the Day

"[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend] *professional stuntman do not attempt*"

"You people don't appreciate me enough. I'm moving my tweets to TBS."

"[NSFW] Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year."

"What do you call a gay wizard? A Broromancer"

"What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!"

"Why was the tomato blushing? ...because he saw the salad dressing"

"How does Bob Marley like his doughnut? w' jammin it"

"Lamar Odom suffered a dozen strokes... Tiger Woods is jealous of his low stroke count."

"WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies"

"Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, I'm guessing it's because they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors."