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Joke of the Day

"My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it."

"Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times... Then I pick up the block, and put it back in the toy box."

"I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*"

"As a young southern farmer I used to dread wasting my time with hoes Now finally I can afford a tractor"

"what's worse than finding a worm in your apple? half of an adolf hitler"

"I'm so lazy, If autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I don't even bother sending the text."

"Umm..I don't want to be ""that inmate,"" but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt."

"I was talking with a friend about my car... I told him about how, now that I have a kid, the car isn't very practical. He offered me 3,000 dollars for it. Sucker, he's gonna hate being a dad."

"What do you get when you cross menstruation and apples? The MaxiPad"

"Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON."