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Joke of the Day

"Hitler wasn't that bad. C'mon, he killed Hitler."

"Kids claim to be such big fans of Mickey Mouse, but you don't see them with an icechest full of Capri Sun tailgating for Disney On Ice."

"What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird."

"What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one."

"WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind"

"My puppy is a bastard son of a bitch His mother is a single mother"

"I dated a woman once. Most confusing twenty minutes of my life."

"11's thoughts on tonight's dinner: ""Well, it didn't make me gag, so I ate it."" The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking."

"Seems like Harrison Ford is really down to earth Too early?"

"THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird"