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Joke of the Day

"[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo"

"I'm not high! - high people I'm not drunk! - drunk people I'm not lying! - lying people I'm not gay! - my brother"

"I Went To The Zoo Yesterday The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih-Tzu."

"Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Because black people can't swim."

"9/11 jokes aren't funny... My dad died on 9/11. I still remember his last words ""ALLAHU AKBAR""."

"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug"

"My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car."

"[1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken"

"My girlfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. That's all I'm spending on her for Christmas. So far she's getting a McChicken."

"I just finished deadlifting 1000 pounds off the ground. For you Americans, that's 1275 dollars. It's my most expensive lift to date."