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Joke of the Day

"Mulder: we're trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm. Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We're on a train."

"You know what's wrong with baptism? They don't hold them under long enough."

"""want to go grab some dinner?"" *lights cat on fire* sorry I can't my cats on fire"

"Whenever I get out of an Uber I imagine cameras spinning around me and my shirt blowing up in slo-mo like I'm in a Michael Bay movie."

"What does Patrick Stewart say during tantric sex? ""Make it slow."""

"Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it."

"""Yeah girl, lick my ass."" - stamps"

"I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal."

"The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I'm throwing pebbles at your face."

"Sports: So how's the shoestring game goin'? Right now, it's ***ALL TIED-UP!*** Oh my-oh-my! I couldn't find a cornylamejokes subreddit, so... ~Skip"