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Joke of the Day

"""Well, congrats. You're a homeowner now. Any questions?"" ""Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn't the Decepticons just bid on em?"""

"What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ? A teddy boar !"

"North Korea is calling for war. In other news, it's Saturday."

"4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history"

"What do you call two homeless men hitting each other with cardboard? Pillow fight"

"Why does the pedophile like minecraft? Because he liked playin around all those miners."

"Did you hear about the cvs looted by BLM supporters? They took everything but the sunscreen and Father's Day cards."

"[greeting aliens] Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut"

"Don't listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They're just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn't anxious."

"Thanks for saying 'on your mobile' in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward"