9051

Joke of the Day

"Me:*looks up from phone* Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench. Family: M: Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago."

"ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?"

"What is the swamp-dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians"

"What kind of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes."

"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate."

"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell."

"The teacher asked her class, ""Who can make a sentence containing 'defense', 'defeat', and 'detail'?"" Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, ""Defeat of de dog went over defense before detail"""

"[watching House of Cards] where are the cards"

"Sex with my ex was like Disneyland. I'd have to wait in line for an hour and a half and when it was finally my turn I wasn't big enough to get on the ride."

"According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, ""I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."""